Self

Self worth.

I have given this topic a lot of thought this week. Not only how much am I worth to myself but how I let other people's feelings and opinions of my worth affect MY own feelings of self. Yea, I know. DEEP.

I have high expectations for myself. Some might say ridiculously high. I expect myself to be perfect. There, I said it. I don't give myself in an inch of forgiveness. Everything I do wrong is overanalyzed in my own head and spit back through my memory hundreds of times. What could I have done better? What went wrong? What stupid things did I say? How can I recover from this? This can go on for days. My mind is always racing with different ideas. Ways to change or improve anything and everything. I often have trouble sleeping at night because my mind can't stop running. The steroids probably make this worse but they certainly aren't the main culprit. Either way this can often turn into a downward spiral of sorrow and my self-esteem tanking out. Not good, not really recommended for anyone.

But I am a rational person. I know I am. And I am a good person. To the core. I don't think is particularly special thing since I think almost everyone is a good person at their core. And thus why would I ever question my own worth? Why overanalyze any of my flaws? Doesn't everyone have flaws? As long as I see my flaws and continue to make concentrated efforts to improve, aren't I still a good person? Two steps forward and one step back is still a net step forward right? Right? And if I know this, why does anyone else's opinion of my worth matter?

Recently I have had several personal blows to my self-esteem from people around me. One in particular really made me think: hiking in Zion. I had told a friend about my goal to hike in Zion and my training schedule. I told him about my fundraising goals and my plans. Basically I went crazy with googly eyes and blabbing about how awesome this all is (which it is for the record!). He told me expected more of me. That this was going to be a tough hike but he expected me to challenge myself more. Why wasn't I running a marathon?

Well. So much for my idea that was doing something cool and challenging myself. And the idea that I was strong. Or doing something that was fun to train for as well as do.

I was talking to my teammate Sam the other day about the Secret. You know, the idea that positive thoughts draw positive things and nagetive thoughts draw negative things, etc. Talking to her reminded me about this conversation where my hiking idea was bruised. I know I am challenging myself. I know I am doing my best. I know I am doing something fun that I love doing and I don't care if everyone else thinks it is stupid. I don't care if this doesn't seem like a challenge to anyone else. I know what I am worth. I am going to do great and wonderful things in my life and make myself a better person, one net step at a time, while loving my life. I'm awesome and if you don't agree then you can get out of my life right now.

Take it.