Self

Self worth.

I have given this topic a lot of thought this week. Not only how much am I worth to myself but how I let other people's feelings and opinions of my worth affect MY own feelings of self. Yea, I know. DEEP.

I have high expectations for myself. Some might say ridiculously high. I expect myself to be perfect. There, I said it. I don't give myself in an inch of forgiveness. Everything I do wrong is overanalyzed in my own head and spit back through my memory hundreds of times. What could I have done better? What went wrong? What stupid things did I say? How can I recover from this? This can go on for days. My mind is always racing with different ideas. Ways to change or improve anything and everything. I often have trouble sleeping at night because my mind can't stop running. The steroids probably make this worse but they certainly aren't the main culprit. Either way this can often turn into a downward spiral of sorrow and my self-esteem tanking out. Not good, not really recommended for anyone.

But I am a rational person. I know I am. And I am a good person. To the core. I don't think is particularly special thing since I think almost everyone is a good person at their core. And thus why would I ever question my own worth? Why overanalyze any of my flaws? Doesn't everyone have flaws? As long as I see my flaws and continue to make concentrated efforts to improve, aren't I still a good person? Two steps forward and one step back is still a net step forward right? Right? And if I know this, why does anyone else's opinion of my worth matter?

Recently I have had several personal blows to my self-esteem from people around me. One in particular really made me think: hiking in Zion. I had told a friend about my goal to hike in Zion and my training schedule. I told him about my fundraising goals and my plans. Basically I went crazy with googly eyes and blabbing about how awesome this all is (which it is for the record!). He told me expected more of me. That this was going to be a tough hike but he expected me to challenge myself more. Why wasn't I running a marathon?

Well. So much for my idea that was doing something cool and challenging myself. And the idea that I was strong. Or doing something that was fun to train for as well as do.

I was talking to my teammate Sam the other day about the Secret. You know, the idea that positive thoughts draw positive things and nagetive thoughts draw negative things, etc. Talking to her reminded me about this conversation where my hiking idea was bruised. I know I am challenging myself. I know I am doing my best. I know I am doing something fun that I love doing and I don't care if everyone else thinks it is stupid. I don't care if this doesn't seem like a challenge to anyone else. I know what I am worth. I am going to do great and wonderful things in my life and make myself a better person, one net step at a time, while loving my life. I'm awesome and if you don't agree then you can get out of my life right now.

Take it.

Coastal Trail! Naked time!

It's been a busy couple of days around here. Saturday morning was my first hike with the whole team! This time I brought my friend Melody along for the hike.

The morning started out pretty slow. We sat through this hour long presentation at Sports Basement on hikerly attire. It was long and boring. I know there are quite a few people on our team that don't know anything about what to wear on a hike. So I suppose it was necessary. And the guy who gave the talk was cute.

Then we started our hike! We went all along the coastal trail for a couple miles. Up and down tons of stairs with beautiful views of the Golden Gate bridge. I got to meet a couple more people on the team which was nice. I am really enjoying getting to know everybody. I think I really impressed everybody with my crazy curly hair and my fundraising. I passed around a photo of me from college when I had long straight hair. And mentioned how much I had fundraised so far. So either I impressed them or I made them want to pull out my hair and stomp on it. Oh well.

We ended the hike with a potluck. I made edamame sandwiches for everyone. I never know what people are going to think when I bust out something random and vegan. But every sandwich was eaten! I know I will be making that again.

Sunday I was so exhausted. I have been having a lot of trouble training. I'll go for a really good hike and then the next day I am beat. I mean really beat. I do fine when I am out there and then I seem to take a long time to recover. Ken says I shouldn't get discouraged by it and that rest is just as important as exercise. I guess I am just so excited to be out there that I try too hard. On Sunday I rested most of the day. Then the family went to the beach for a couple hours which for some reason made me feel a million times better. Today was a nice long walk at the dog park followed by a delicious sweet potato shepard's pie! Tomorrow we go for a 3 hour hike at Wildcat Canyon.

I am going to steal my parent's camera for the rest of the season so hopefully I have some good photos to show soon from the next hike!

Did I mention that there were a lot of naked people at Baker beach? Naturally they were all the people one doesn't want to see naked. But naked they were. I am secretly jealous of their inner freedom to be naked in public.

Training training training

It's Thursday evening and I am watching the end of the Laker game. It's not looking like a good evening in Los Angeles.

I have been doing pretty good with my training so far. Sunday was a great hike with Ken and the dogs! We didn't do the whole 8.22 mile loop, but we ended up doing much harder trails and covering about 5 miles. We hiked up some really steep trails through the trees at Redwood Regional Park. It was a great workout and a whole lot of fun. Afterwards we went over to Pedro and Melody's for dinner and learned that our good canine companion Blue had passed away. He was 15 years old and used to love hiking. He is already dearly missed.

I guess I may have overdone it on the weekend. I was really tired on Monday and kept getting headaches all day. I didn't work out at all and evening took Tuesday off of work to rest. We went to the dog park and did a nice long walk around there. Wednesday though was a different story. I felt so much better on Wednesday and I really wanted to go for a long hike. The dogs and I headed out to Wildcat Canyon and did over nine miles! I know I really need to build up my mileage and the incline of my hikes to prepare for Utah! This felt really good.

Saturday the team heads out to San Francisco for a hike on the Coast trail. I can't wait. =)

I have been so touched by all the donations from my friends and family. I feel truly blessed. I never expected so much generosity from those around me. Thank you.

Team hike!

Yesterday we went on our first team hike! I'm not gonna lie, I had trouble sleeping the night before. I was so excited to go.

Saturday morning I got up, packed my bag, and headed out to Berkeley. I was carpooling with another girl on my team, Sam. She is the only other person on the team even close to my age. I like her. Not too much talking, not too much crazy. I like people that I COULD talk with all day or could just walk quietly with for hours. So I can see us getting along very well.

We got really lost on the way to Redwood Regional Park. Totally missed the turn. Luckily the team didn't leave without us. Everyone was impressed with how many letter I turned in! Mom, dad, and I had a letter stuffing party on Tuesday night. Two deep dish pizzas from Zacharys is great motivation.

The team took the Stream trail for about an hour in and an hour back. It is really beautiful here. This is the only large trail that doesn't allow dogs off leash. Of course I saw plenty of dogs off leash on the trail. But they wer nothing like Ginnie and Xiao. They actually stayed and listened to their owners. My dogs would have been in the forbidden stream in two seconds. Most of the hike was really easy. Definitely built up my confidence for Utah. The only tough part was the very end going up this really steep hill with no breeze and very little shade. I am going to need to work on my endurance in the sun!

Most of our team will be hiking in Tahoe in September but a small few of us are going to Utah. I was afraid none of us would even see each other on event day since we are all at different skill levels. But it seems like all of my Utah teammates are as motivated as I am. We all want to hike Angel's Landing because we all figure, "how often do you get to hike in Zion?" And it's true.

Yesterday after the hike, Ken and I went to the Mountain Hardwear sale. I didn't find pretty much any of the things I was looking for but I did find a great day pack! Hiking gear is so expensive and this was only $25! This morning my I am going back to Redwood Regional Park with my support team to do a longer hike, with my awesome backpack! The bike route is 8.22 miles and the dogs can be off leash the whole time! I really want to be able to take the dogs to new, fun places but I always get nervous taking them before I have scouted out the place alone. Now that I have had a chance, I think we are ready for a fun adventure. Hopefully I can steal some pictures from the team over the course of the week to show you how pretty it is there and inspire your own hiking adventures!

Welcome

Hello. I got inspired by a teammate to commermorate this whole experience in a blog.

Basically I am going to hike to cure cancer. I am raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. This is a cause that is very personal and relevant to me. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because of what I have been through. Every experience I have had has made me a better person. When I was diagnosed my immediate thought was, "I am going to die." After a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself and moping around, I decided this wasn't very productive. Cancer has inspired me to reprioritize my life and live to the fullest everyday. It would have been nice to learn all if these life lessons in a less life-threatening manner, but I am glad I learned them.

On to happier things. We had our kick-off event about two weeks ago and I SUPER excited! I wasn't really sure what to expect when I got there. And there were tons of people there. But I am happy about how small our team is. 31 people is just right. You don't want to have 200 people out on a hike together. Then you can't really enjoy nature. Everyone on the team seems pretty scared of the entire endeavor of raising funds, as am I. But I figure I have a little over four months. I'll figure something out. Sell my soul.

I went home and started looking over all the training materials. I have set my goal to hike Angels Landing at Zion National Park. I figure I might as well shoot for the moon. This is supposed to be a killer hike but it looks doable and beautiful as well. We are going to be going on a bunch of really cool hikes on the weekends too. The team does a group hike every Saturday morning and then we train on our own during the week. About half of the hikes are in the East Bay Regional Parks which is even better for me. The regional park system out here is awesome with dogs and this will give me a chance to scope them out before I bring the dogs there to cause mischief. I have been training with the dogs everyday after work. Every other day we go for a 2 hour hike at Wildcat Canyon. Then the other days we go to Point Isabel or Point Pinole. I am going to start riding my bike to work again now that the rain seems to have stopped. I really have to build up my endurance for this crazy goal of mine.

Sadly I had to miss the first team hike in Tilden Park. I was out camping with the dogs and friends at Mackericher state beach in Fort Bragg. It was a lot of fun! I didn't do the toughest hike ever but I did do it with a 20 pound backback on. Ken and I are training to backpack the Lost Coast in August so I need a lot more practice carrying a loaded backpack. I have been carrying a pack on my hikes with the dogs but it usually only has a water bottle, dog treats and my purse in it. We spent a lot of the weekend wandering around the beach with the dogs, playing in the woods, hiking, and collecting sea glass (my new passion). If anyone knows other good places to find sea glass, let me know. I totally went into treasure hunting mode and didn't want to leave the beach. Ken was dragging me away at the end.

This Saturday I'll meet about half the team for a hike at Redwood Regional Park. Hopefully I have some exciting photos to post afterwards!